There’s this game we call “B’dink” that we’ve played with each of our kids when they were little. It’s where someone calls, “B’dink!” And then you bump heads together. Oftentimes it’s gentle and an affectionate moment shared. But sometimes it goes pear shaped and someone gets hurt. Sometimes by accident and sometimes (I suspect) intentionally.
For me, this pretty much sums up the parenting journey so far.
I thought that being the “nice” guy would translate into being the “great” dad.
I’d always pegged myself as a guy that would be an awesome dad.
Taking an honest inventory of my temperament in the real world, I reckon I’m a pretty friendly guy. People report that they feel safe and comfortable to be genuine around me. I err on the side of a relaxed disposition. When it comes to patience, I’m probably more patient than average.
I’m the “nice” guy.
I thought that I probably had a shot at being the type of dad that kids, when grown, would say things like, “I never remember my old man raising his voice”; “I always felt heard and safe around dad”; “I had the friendliest and most caring dad in the world.”
Turns out raising children has a particularly sobering effect of highlighting the gaps between who you think you are, and how you actually behave.
Slowly the ever-patient, consistently gently man has discovered that, when tested under a relentless stream of small stressors (I mean the moments, not a pseudonym for children), he can actually become the overbearing and quick tempered man who I never knew existed.
This is a fairly confronting reality and I didn’t see it coming. If I’m honest (and so far, I’ve probably already been too honest with you!), I want better for my kids and I want to be better for me.
I’m on a mission to raise great humans and, it turns out, on a journey of discovering who I really am.
That sounds pretentious. Nevertheless, it’s true.
At some point during the small daily moments with little people, I’ve discovered new things about myself. And it ain’t always crash hot.
I’ve discovered that I can argue like a 5 year old. Not in a look-how-strategically-I’m-relating-to-you-on-your-level way… more like a look-how-petty-a-thirty-something-year-old-can-become kind of way. I’ve discovered that I can use the fact that my voice is louder to dominate an argument. I’ve discovered that I can use the fact that I’m physically bigger to make the kids go where they refuse to go.
I’ve discovered that my patience is a lot thinner than I originally self-assessed. I snap much more quickly than I feel comfortable with. I react when, retrospectively, I want to calmly address the situation.
There are no gimmes when it comes to parenting.
We all know this. I’m pretty sure I was never naive enough to think that being a dad would be a breeze. However, there probably was a sense of, “oh yeah, it’ll all be sweet. I’m pretty level headed. I’ll be good at this.”
What I’ve come to discover is that this a role that I need to continue to grow into. I will be doing my family a disservice if I just sit back and hope that I’m up for the task. I’ve discovered that just as I’m still getting to know what it means to be a dad, I’m still getting to know myself. And what I’ve learnt about myself is that I need to intentionally work through how to grow in patience, love, and grace.
I might not be the best dad in the world (I now concede), but I want to give this dad gig the best possible go I can.
So tell me, what do you do to intentionally grow as a person and a parent? I’d love to learn from you!