My old man once told me that he’d had a vision of how he would hold himself as a dad. He pictured that he might be the ‘Dr Huxtable’-esque figure (when that was a good thing), dispensing sagely advice to his eager young children.
Now, let’s be clear. My father wanting to be “The Great Sage” in my life might sound (to the uninitiated), at best, daggy, and at worst, very daggy. You’re not meant to actually say that you want those things for yourself, are you? But in the spirit of oversharing, I can confirm that that very same desire is now present in my life. I want to be “The Great Sage” in the lives of my kids.
But more than that, and much more than I’d like to admit, I’m still looking for The Sage in my own life. There’s a yearning that I have slowly awoken to in my 30’s that quietly searches for that great comforter who can impart knowledge, wisdom, perspective, guidance, and reassurance. The one who has gone the path ahead of me and has come out the other side more….sagely.
Maybe that’s why I recently picked up Obama’s book, “A Promised Land”, with such a sense of vigour and hopefulness. Maybe within these pages I’ll find the one to whom I can glean the illusive wisdom that will fill quiet longing for something deeper.
I tend to do that; gravitate towards the unspoken promise of inspiration in the lives of people I’ll never actually be able to have a real relationship with.
Where does that longing come from? Has it been forged in our imaginations through the stories and the sitcoms we tell ourselves? Or is it something that is inherent within our being, formed over millions of years of evolution, serving some strategic purpose for our survival? Or perhaps it is something that is imparted to us from a creator who has planted a seed of longing that only the creator can satisfy?
Really, I don’t know.
What I do know is that, at the very least, I want to play this role in my children’s lives. I want to equip them with the cognitive and emotional tools to navigate this funny old world of ours. Noble enough of a pursuit, I’m sure.
Yet, I’m all too aware of the chasm between what I want and who I currently am. How can I fulfil this grand vision when I knowingly neglect the smaller, foundational steps?
Am I currently wise enough to stay off my phone or iPad when I’m around the kids? Am I currently wise enough to exhibit patience in the midst of trivial frustration? Am I currently wise enough to give them what they need from me emotionally, rather than manipulating everyday circumstances so that I receive what I need from them, to make me feel whole, loved, or perhaps even “good enough?”
No need to voice the answer to those questions. I already know.
Is this what my dad felt like at my age? I need to call him more…
I can’t help but anticipate that I will, in fact, fail to be the great sage in their lives. Perhaps, like me, they too will spend their mid-thirties longing for a sage that never was.
Regardless, I am determined to *at least * move towards that vision, wherever it may come from.
I’m fairly sure I have a good grasp of where I need to start my journey towards that vision. I hope I am wise enough to commit to the small steps to get there.